Notable Ramblings from Gwaine on the Road
by Vernacular Jargon
Summary: Us Merlin fans are exempt from Gwaine's constant rambling during the Knights' travels. In separate drabbles, this is what we've missed.
1. Of Feet and Muscles

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any rights to _Merlin_ or anything affiliated with it.

Perhaps he was ignored as a child and now, finally, people were listening and he took advantage. Perhaps he just thought more than the average man. Perhaps he was anxious and vocalizing his complaints kept him calm.

Either way, Gwaine's mouth was open and nothing could shut it.

"My feet are sore," he spoke aloud. Elyan wondered if Gwaine even cared if anybody listened.

"If you had bought new boots when I suggested, then perhaps they wouldn't be sore," Leon responded.

From the front, Arthur briefly closed his eyes as if in pain before he spoke. "Leon, don't give him the satisfaction of an answer, that'll only encourage him."

Gwaine smirked at Arthur's tired inflection in his voice, "You know: you've got a point there, Princess. An answer is just an opening for conversation, wouldn't you think?"

Merlin snorted at Arthur's dramatic sigh and exchanged humorous looks with Gwaine.

"I'm just making up for Percival's lack of conversation." Gwaine couldn't understand how one could be so quiet, even if he was more a man of action.

"Only because he can't get anything in edgewise." Lancelot patted Percival's back, jokingly apologetic.

Gwaine tilted his head in thought and realized he might have been cutting off Percival this whole time. He turned back and saw the man in question. "Sorry, mate. Go ahead and speak your peace." Hopefully that sounded genuine; despite running in the same group together since he was welcomed back into Camelot, Gwaine was still intimidated and a bit fearful of the muscles that man possessed.

Percival thought carefully, deciding what he wanted to say. He didn't believe that any word should be wasted, though it was obvious Gwaine did not share his belief. Finally deciding upon something, he inhaled quietly to prepare himself to form the words, though in his time of contemplation, Gwaine grew impatient and opened his mouth once more.

"Nothing comes to mind, I guess."

Percival released the remnants of his sentence in a barely audible sigh.

"I've always wondered, Perse- can I call you that?- how did you ever get those biceps?"

Arthur cut in, a smirk on his face, "For every minute you spoke he trained for half that amount."

"Do you lift horses for sport?" For every daft suggestion Arthur made, Gwaine made it a point to voice twice as much. "Or do you uproot great trees to plant them someplace else?"

Merlin gave a short laugh, though at Arthur's glare he quickly turned his laughter into a fit of coughing.

Percival grinned to hide how uncomfortable he was with all the attention. "I worked in a quarry before Lancelot found me. And it is Percival." Wasting words was one thing, but shortening words was an insult for the other syllables. He sharpened the edge of his second sentence, knowing that Gwaine would not listen otherwise. Percival knew that Gwaine harbored a slight fear of him and he used this knowledge whenever he could to silence him for the benefit of everyone.

And it never failed.


	2. Tavern Songs

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any rights to _Merlin_ or anything affiliated with it.

_It's one thing to talk about something useful, like battle strategies_, Arthur thought in irritation, _but it's another thing entirely to sing tavern songs._

"_Bring us in good ale, and bring us in good ale, for our blessed lady's sake, bring us in good ale_!"

At first, Leon couldn't help himself but join in on the first two roaring renditions of the tune. Against his training, he ignored Arthur's complaints and demands to cease and desist but after the third repetition he stopped for lack of air. After the fourth repetition his smile shriveled taut against his face. After the fifth repetition he was complaining right along with Arthur. "Is that the _only_ song you know?"

Elyan resisted the urge to smack himself on the forehead. "Leon, you just let the cat out of the bag."

Indeed, Gwaine quickly stopped speaking and his mouth curved in a Cheshire grin. "I'm glad you asked, Leon. I'm glad you asked."

Arthur looked over at Merlin with a clenched jaw as if wanting to say something. Merlin raised an eyebrow and Arthur leaned in to mutter, "If he wasn't such an excellent swordsman I would've sacked him ages ago."

"He's not all that bad…" Merlin trailed off, looking over at Gwaine as he proceeded to sing brazenly. He tried to put an arm around Percival's shoulders but he ultimately couldn't reach them.

"_Time to pass with goodly sport, our spirits to revive and comfort-_"

"… Though his pitches are a bit off."

Arthur looked bewildered and he had to raise his voice to be heard above the singing knight, "Since when did _you_ know anything about drinking songs?"

"It doesn't take a regular to know when a pitch wrong!" Merlin defended himself. It seemed as if he's been doing that a lot since he reached Camelot. Someday he really should go to the Rising Sun and learn some new songs, just to show Arthur.

"-_To pipe, to sing, to dance, to spring, with pleasure and delight following sensual appetite_!"

It was hard for Lancelot not to join in and sing, but it felt wrong to be having such merriment when another days' walk from here was a suffering village in need of their help. Gwaine saw Lancelot's troubled expression and laughed. "Didn't care much for that song? I've got a verse from another that you'll enjoy:

_Long live all girls, gracious and pretty!_

_Long live the women too,_

_Tender and lovable,_

_Good and industrious_!"

The laughter that burst forth from Merlin was contagious and soon all the men were laughing. Gwaine was pleased to see that he even got Arthur to chuckle. "Glad to see you're joining in on the fun, Princess," he smirked.

Arthur quickly scowled and darkly muttered to the path they were taking.

"_Hey, hey, long live the sanity of our company_!" Gwaine shot his hands up in the air and cried, "_Complainers can go perish, may our friends ever flourish_!"


	3. Obliviousness

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any rights to _Merlin_ or anything affiliated with it.

"Merlin!" Gwaine called from his horse in the back of the group. "Merlin!"

The warlock in question directed his horse out from the front and cantered to the knight, "What is it?"

"Oh, nothing in particular," Gwaine shrugged as best he could with his armor, "I was talking to Lancelot but I must have bored him because he moved over to Elyan, and then _I_ grew bored."

Merlin looked ahead at Lancelot to see him riding silently next to an equally silent Elyan. "Are you sure you just didn't irritate him?"

Gwaine looked genuinely baffled. "How do you mean?"

"Er, well-" Merlin looked down at his saddle horn, "I don't know if you've noticed this before or if you've just been oblivious but sometimes- well, most of the time actually, I should know because Arthur hasn't stopped complaining since we left- but it seems as if every time we go riding to save another village or go out to destroy another source of evil magic-" he looked up to see Gwaine's head tilted sideways in confusion. Merlin let out a puff of air in exasperation and continued, "What I mean to say is that most of us-"

"-All of us," Arthur interrupted flatly from the front.

"-are irritated that you-"

"That I what, Merlin?" Gwaine grinned, "That I'm better at sword fighting than they are? Sorry men!" He called with laughter in is voice, "I'll let you take the glory next round!"

It was Merlin's turn to look baffled, "You really don't know, do you?" Gwaine looked back at his friend quizzically, urging Merlin to burst: "You talk too much!"

Everyone was silent and tense, waiting for Gwaine's reaction. The horses felt the mood shift and they pranced and shook their heads before the knights could regain control.

Gwaine raised his eyebrows in surprise and a corner of his mouth twitched. Merlin rushed to apologize, "I'm sorry I just blurted that out, but I didn't know how else to tell you! I mean, you're a great knight and an even greater friend but-"

Gwaine roared with laughter, so much so that he spooked his horse and nearly fell. "Merlin!" He eventually choked out. Through his tears of mirth he saw his friends' eyes were open wide and his mouth even wider. "Oh! Merlin, my friend, you are too funny! It's _you_ that's been talking this whole time, not me!"


	4. Sacrificial Honey, Part I

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any rights to _Merlin_ or anything affiliated with it.

**Alludes to season four's "The Darkest Hour, Part II"**

"-So then, naturally, I winked at her but you'll never guess what she did next!" Gwaine looked around at the knights, whom have all grown quieter since Lancelot and Merlin rode back to Camelot. Merlin was Gwaine's first true friend, and while he would have liked to be as solemn as them, he knew that a foul mood wouldn't do anything to strengthen Merlin's chance of survival. Therefore, he was retelling one of his less-redeemable stories for a laugh, but no one was cooperating. "Go on, guess!"

Instead of all the knights jumping on a guess like Gwaine had expected, a buzzing noise filled the air. Gwaine's ears perked and he grinned in relief when he spotted the tree that was the source of the noise. "Can you hear that?" He glanced over his shoulder to Leon, who looked both irritated and nonplussed.

"Bees?"

"Food!" They've been riding and walking for hours without rest on stomachs that were barely content with the meager breakfast earlier. Gwaine was surprised Leon- or any of the knights for that matter- didn't realize that bees meant honey, and that honey meant food. As for him, he couldn't get his glove off fast enough.

Leon looked up from a hole in his gloves to see that Gwaine was already sticking his hand into the bees' nest. "Are you trying to get us killed?"

"We're riding to our death anyway," Gwaine replied. Leon furrowed his brows and left, leaving Gwaine to the nest. He wouldn't admit it, but he was slightly afraid of bees and as equally allergic.

The nest was farther into the rotting tree that Gwaine had first realized but finally, his fingers found a sticky comb. Just as he was grasping his fingers around it, an angry bee stung him on his hand. "Argh!" He shot his hand shot out from the tree and multiple bees followed it. Gwaine tripped backwards on a stick as he tried to move away from the nest. Despite his flailing, the bees kept assailing him and two more stung him on his hand and wrist.

Not knowing what else to do, Gwaine fled the scene as fast as he could. He overheard Percival and Elyan laughing at him as he ran for his life, no doubt he looked ridiculous: a knight of Camelot running amok in the woods because of angry bees. Gwaine narrowly missed a tree as he looked down at his hand, assuring himself that this was not in vain. He was relieved that a few drops of honey had stubbornly stuck to his fingers.


	5. Sacrificial Honey, Part II

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any rights to _Merlin_ or anything affiliated with it.

**Alludes to season four's "The Darkest Hour, Part II"**

Arthur was not pleased. He paced up and down as he waited for Gwaine to treat his three bee stings with the St. John's Wort Elyan had found on the roadside. Gwaine spit out the leaves he had been chewing and put them on the stingers, "Pacing will only tire you out for the rest of today," he commented from his spot on the ground.

Arthur bit back an angry retort and spun around to face the knight, "We're wasting valuable time because you were foolish enough to stick your hand in a bees' nest when we have bread in our saddlebags."

"What's bread without a little honey?" Gwaine asked with a smirk. He saw Arthur clench his jaw and decided to change tactics, "I think we've given the horses enough rest to ride them again. Surely that should make up for the time I wasted."

"He has a point, Sire," Leon responded carefully, "we didn't lose as much time as you think."

Arthur sighed and nodded, "If Gwaine's finished tending to his hand we'll leave on horseback." He took a step towards Gwaine and muttered, "Knights of Camelot should act better than what you've displayed today and previous days before this."

"If you think I act poorly, why did you knight me anyway?"

"Because you're a damn good swordsman, that's why." Arthur walked to his horse briskly, not wanting to see Gwaine's smug expression that he knew was there.

_So the Princess finally admits to it_, Gwaine thought to himself with a grin. He shook off the leaf paste on his hand and flexed it experimentally. A twinge of pain was still there, but it was bearable. He was a Knight of Camelot and a damn good swordsman to boot: pain like this could only make him stronger. He quickly mounted his horse and took off with the rest of the knights. "So," he raised his voice to be heard over the wind and hooves, "back to the story I was telling earlier- you'd never guess what she did next-"

The rest of the knights collectively groaned and Gwaine laughed.

"That's _exactly_ what she did! She _groaned_ at me after I winked at her! Who _does_ that?" He asked incredulously. He paused to see if any of the knights had an answer. "And then, well, I found out later that she was actually married and her husband was this great brute nearly as tall as the tavern itself! We brawled until he threw me out the window- I don't think he wasn't pleased that I winked to his wife."

"Clearly," said Percival, breaking his silence. "What gave you that impression?"


	6. Gwaine, Mead, and the Ladies, Part I

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any rights to _Merlin_ or anything affiliated with it.

"Finally!" Gwaine cheered as the group laid eyes on an inn as the last rays of sunlight faded, "A warm bed to sleep in- and the mead!"

"No mead," Arthur spoke with tight lips, "you have to be alert tomorrow. We're only staying here because it's nearby. If I catch any of you-" here, Arthur raised his voice "-drinking mead, there will be consequences."

Gwaine leaned over to Percival with a smirk, "_Catch_ being the operative word." He winked at the larger knight, who just rolled his eyes. It's not like Percival would tattle to Arthur- he didn't speak much of anything anyway.

The innkeeper was more than happy to supply three rooms for the eight knights and Merlin, though he was disappointed when the knights quickly retired to their rooms without spending any of their gold on mead.

Elyan looked dismayed at the room arrangements. Arthur and Merlin shared a room together next door while Leon and Percival shared a room across from his and Gwaine's. Elyan knew he wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight when Gwaine burst into the room, already mid-sentence. "… taking the bed on the left, would you?"

"Sorry?"

Gwaine dumped his saddle on the bed Elyan was about to take, "You wouldn't mind taking the bed on the left, would you?"

"I didn't take you for a superstitious type, Gwaine," Elyan smirked, rolling his irritation off his shoulders. As long as he got a good nights' rest in any bed, it didn't matter what side of the room he slept.

Gwaine snorted, "You're right about that. No, this bed is against the wall separating us from Arthur. I thought it'd be a little fun to knock on it now and then during the night."

Elyan did not like where this was going. "I don't know about you, but I'd like a night without any knocking, thanks."

"Not even from a lady?"

"I just want to sleep," Elyan's ears turned red from embarrassment and to his disappointment, Gwaine took notice.

"You know," Gwaine smirked, "you've never had a girl come knocking, have you?" Elyan scratched his head and turned around and placed his saddle at the end of his bed. "Oh, come on, it was an innocent question. Well, maybe _innocent_ is the right word here, eh?"

"No," Elyan's voice was thin, "I haven't."

"Then what are we waiting for?" Gwaine strode to Elyan and clapped him on the shoulder, "I'll show you all there is to know about wooing women. Come!" He roughly grabbed Elyan by his chainmail and dragged him downstairs where the mead ran freely.

Elyan regretfully kissed his good night's rest goodbye.


	7. Gwaine, Mead, and the Ladies, Part II

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any rights to _Merlin_ or anything affiliated with it

Elyan nervously kept his brown eyes on the staircase, certain that Arthur would come down any moment to find Elyan paying pint after pint for Gwaine because the drunken knight "accidentally" forgot his coin purse in his saddlebag upstairs. "Gwaine, I really think-"

"No, no, no," Gwaine cut him off as he shook a finger at him, "That's your problem. You think too much." He shifted his unfocused eyes over Elyan's shoulders and his famous smirk graced his bearded face, "Watch this."

Elyan turned his head to follow Gwaine's gaze and saw a barmaid walking their way with an empty tray in hand. The woman passed Elyan without a second glance and when she neared Gwaine, he shot out a hand to touch her shoulder but the sudden movement caught him off balance and instead he gripped her shirt sleeve tightly. The sleeve ripped easily, but Gwaine took no notice. "What's a lovely flower like you serving mead?" Elyan was slightly impressed. He thought Gwaine's question was fairly smooth and commendable while under the influence of all the alcohol he had. However, ripping her dress tarnished the overall effect.

The girl looked down at her ripped dress, her only one no doubt, and raised her head to reveal that her blue eyes were icy. "You ripped my dress!"

"Did I?" Gwaine rubbed his thumb against the tear and smoothly flipped the cloth above his thumb so he could rub her shoulder. "I'm terribly sorry, my lady."

"Not as sorry as you're going to be!" The barmaid stepped away from Gwaine's touch and raised her tray above her head before smacking it down on his head. She watched with satisfaction as Gwaine suffered and quickly took off.

Gwaine gingerly rubbed his head and looked up at Elyan with a grimace of a smile, "The next one will go over better, I promise."

"Gwaine, we should be getting back. You've drunk too much mead as it is and I'm almost out of money."

"Just one more, all right?" Gwaine punched Elyan's shoulder in a friendly gesture but his swing missed and Gwaine, caught off balance once more, fell backwards off his barstool and landed with a crash on the floor.

"Gwaine?" Elyan jumped off his stool and knelt down to find the knight was knocked out cold. "You're kidding."

Gwaine was heavier than he looked. It took Elyan five minutes to carry him from the bar and up the stairs where he kicked off Gwaine's saddle to unceremoniously dump the knight on his bed. Gwaine hit his head on the wall during the fall but he made no indication that he felt it. Normally, Elyan would be worried that Gwaine didn't even mumble when his head was smacked hard for the second time in a matter of minutes, but today he wasn't.

It just meant he was going to get a good night's rest after all.


	8. Throwing Stones to Pass the Time

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any rights to _Merlin _or anything affiliated with it.

"This is the fifth unconscious guard this week," Arthur spoke as he stood up from an unconscious sentry that was found near his post that morning. "Who is doing this?"

"Dunno," Merlin replied loftily, throwing a stone up and catching it, "but they've got good aim." He tossed the stone higher and looked at Arthur to see a steely, suspicious glare. Shocked, Merlin forgot about the stone and it hit him hard on his foot. "I'm not the one who's been knocking out the guards!"

"That isn't proven yet." Arthur retorted, narrowing his eyes, "You do look pretty handy with a stone."

Merlin opened his mouth to reply but quickly shut it when Gwaine came between them to inspect the unconscious man. "Another one?" Gwaine smirked when he looked up at Arthur.

Arthur was not amused. "It isn't _funny_, Gwaine. If the stone hit him any harder he might have been seriously injured. He's been knocked out for at least ten minutes as it is."

"Shame." Gwaine didn't seem surprised and Merlin wrinkled his eyebrows in confusion. "Perhaps you should invest in some half-decent guards."

"We've been over this," Arthur rolled his eyes and started to walk away, "there's nothing wrong with them!"

Merlin waited until Arthur was out of earshot when he turned back to Gwaine and muttered, "You're the one who's been throwing stones, haven't you?"

Gwaine raised his eyebrows. "Merlin! I never thought I'd see the day where you accuse your friends of something so…" he trailed off, trying to think of a good adjective to use. He quickly sighed- giving up- and plastered a huge grin on his face, "Yeah, it was me."

"Gwaine!" Merlin's voice escalated a few octaves. "If Arthur ever found out-"

"What would he do?" Gwaine interrupted, "I'm one of his trusted knights. The worst he could do would throw me in the stocks for a day. Besides, these guards regain consciousness within half an hour and are back on their feet in time to get back to shoddily guarding the city. Personally, I feel safer when I knock them out." Merlin looked at Gwaine with mild horror on his face and Gwaine snorted. "Really, Merlin, this isn't something to be afraid of. It's me that's the culprit, not you."

A pat on his shoulder revealed to Gwaine why Merlin suddenly looked horrified. "That you are," Arthur said with a fake smile on his face. "And about your stay in the stocks- let's make it two days, shall we?" He gripped Gwaine's shoulder tightly and steered him towards the empty stocks. "Would you look at that- it's like they were waiting just for you!"


	9. Boredom and Consequences

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any rights to _Merlin_ or anything affiliated with it.

If Gwaine had realized that being a knight also entailed boring and lengthy meetings, he would have never knelt before Arthur in that abandoned castle. He was currently sitting relaxed (others would say _slumped_) in the meeting hall staring intently off into space as Arthur was droning yet again about something related to… well, it wasn't that important anyway if the subject didn't garner Gwaine's attention in the first place. Now women, on the other hand…

Unfortunately, the only woman in the hall was married to none other than the King himself. To top it off, there wasn't even any hint of ale, let alone a goblet. This meeting couldn't get any worse. Perhaps he could count the stone blocks it took to build the opposite wall.

Two minutes later, Gwaine sighed. Obviously it didn't take enough blocks to keep the knight entertained. He looked over at Arthur at the head of the table to find that his lips were still moving. Had he even taken a breath since he opened his mouth? And Arthur thought _he_ talked too much. He looked around the table to see other knights and important men look onto the King with interest, as if what Arthur was saying was actually important. Maybe he should give this whole listening thing a go.

"- Which is why I propose that farmers grow their crops against the slope, as opposed to with the decline of the hills. We can enforce this by-"

Gwaine shuddered. That was enough listening for today. If anything, Merlin would give him a condensed version later if he asked. He looked over at his friend who stood with half-closed eyes in the corner behind Arthur. Gwaine took comfort that he wasn't the only one sane enough to realize how extremely boring this meeting was. If only a sorcerer would make a flashy entrance and injure a few of the extravagantly dressed men so Arthur could at least pause and take in some air. He toyed with the idea of actually wanting Morgana to come back from whatever hovel she was hiding in before he realized that might be a little bit too much excitement- some of these men might be subjected to shock after this boredom they've been experiencing for the past- has it only been half an hour? The clock tower outside chimed and Gwaine nearly let a long-suffering groan escape his mouth. It _has_ only been half an hour. He threw back his head in exasperation and it hit the hard back of his chair with an audible _clunk_ that preceded the dull pain that bloomed at the site of impact.

Leon looked over next to him and tried not to grin at Gwaine's antics. "Gwaine?"

"Bored," the knight replied.

"It shows."

"Arthur thought _I_ talked too much?" Gwaine's eyebrows disappeared behind his mop of hair.

Leon chuckled at the irony of Gwaine's facial expressions. It was usually incredulity and exasperation that mingled on Leon's face, not the other way around. "You'll become used to these meetings, just give it time."

"It's been two years. Time is not on my side."

"Gwaine? Leon?" Arthur interrupted his speech. "Do you two have anything to add?"

"No, Sire," Leon answered, his face reddening slightly at being caught. "My apologies."

Arthur nodded, knowing full well Leon was dragged into Gwaine's antics- whatever they were- unwillingly, like he always was. He turned to Gwaine and waited for an explanation. "Gwaine?" The knight turned his head toward him so fast he was surprised he didn't get whiplash. "Would you like to add anything to the speech?"

Gwaine didn't even pause to think. "I agree with you whole heartedly, Sire."

A quick glance to Merlin and Gwen at his side only encouraged a smirk to sneak up on the King's face. "Indeed? And what part of my plan would you like to carry out?" Why did he have any misgivings on seeing his plan through to completion? He should have planned on conning Gwaine into this in the first place.

Gwaine's face quickly drew itself into suspicion. _Oh, he's good._ "All of it, Sire." _Too good._

"Excellent!" Arthur exclaimed with a grin. He turned to the rest of the council, "Thank you for all your time. This meeting is adjourned. Gwaine, stay after so I can give you my instructions."

"Let this be a lesson, Gwaine," Leon laughed as he stood from his seat. "_Always_ pay attention to the council meetings, lest you want the consequences."

Gwaine sighed and slumped even farther in his chair. "Duly noted."


End file.
